If you are one of the many unfortunate shlumps who will never become a celebrity, reading this incredible work of American literature is the closest you'll probably ever get to this kind of experience. The cake is delicious, the drugs are great, the cunnilingus is stellar, and it's all totally worth the terrible sacrifices you've made to arrive here today, despite the fact that you are clearly about to vomit yet again into the enormous pool. While all this is going on, you are thinking about how fat and old you've been getting, sipping from a decanter of single-malt scotch, and eating slice after slice of the most magnificent chocolate cake that has ever been baked. You've done about sixteen lines of coke and have popped a few jars of quaaludes, and a leathery, bronzed older gentleman with silvery hairs all over his chest and a visible tan line where his wedding ring usually sits is alternately giving you backrubs, lavishing you with glittering jewelry, and skillfully providing immense oral pleasure. Imagine you are lying in a silk-sheeted waterbed next to a vast swimming pool, smoking a ridiculously long cigarette, wearing an Italian bikini and extremely large, expensive hat, and you've just gotten the most gorgeous pedicure ever administered in human history.

Granted it's probably not for everyone, but I gotta tell you, this is seriously among THE MOST VASTLY ENTERTAINING books I have ever read in my life. If you haven't read this book, I suggest you quit dicking around on the internet and do absolutely whatever it takes to snag yourself a copy this instant.

Valley of the dolls book about